Attachment Styles and your relationship…

Knowing what attachment style you carry will improve your insight of yourself. It affects your dating habits and the relationships you have. Here are four attachment styles which might help you connect to yourself better.

John Bowlby a British psychoanalyst had coined this theory of attachment. It is basically a theory which holds true for children and their attachment to caregivers or parents. We usually come through with our basic lessons. It is a subconscious thing to react in a certain way to a certain situation. Knowing this theory will help you distinguish the right from wrong (relationships).

There are four types of attachment styles, they are:

Secure attachment style

  • The healthiest of all styles is the secure attachment style. It is a good sign of relationships and also most common. A person with secure attachment style will be more social and be accepting of reality. This will result in not avoiding the partner; also there will be almost no anxiety.
  • This type of attachment is often related to the phrase “okay.” Both people in this relationship have a healthy self-esteem and respect the other. They are neither anxious nor avoidant.
  • People with a secure attachment style have a healthy attitude and also work with their partners to solve any issue they might be facing. Such people are known to have lesser relationships but they are long-lasting. It is observed that a person with a secure attachment style is more attached to parents.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment style

  • An attachment style like this has an extreme independent type of life. This is often when your parents were unavailable or if they have rejected you. Such people have a high self-esteem but they value their partner lower than themselves.
  • The dismissive attachment style is more common with single people than the married ones. A dismissive type of person is likely to avoid intimacy and hence not be in a relationship. Such people feel they don’t need other people.
  • Dismissive style of attachment leads to the person regulating emotions, maybe even to the point of suppression.
  • It is seen that men are more susceptible to such attachment styles than women. They get hard to get types and also are a bit aloof.

Anxious-preoccupied attachment style

  • People with this attachment style are more anxious when it comes to their loved ones. This manifests a low self-image and also leads to insecurity. On the other hand, they view their partners positively.
    In this style of attachment, there is high insecurity when it comes to their partners. A person with such style of attachment can be very dependent. Inconsistent parenting might be a reason for this. They might be suspicious about their partner at times as such people have difficulty trusting people.
  • Such people are constantly on the lookout for approval, validation, and responsiveness. They are at times demanding and might get agitated if they don’t get an immediate response. This might lead to their partners becoming dismissive, eventually leading to more anxiety.
  • Coping with breakups would be a task for people with such an attachment style. They invest a lot of emotional energy in their relationships. Also, they might feel they are worthless when something goes wrong.
  • According to a study, women with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles are more likely to have sex with partners without knowing their sexual history. Such women are likely to have had multiple partners.

Fearful-avoidant attachment style

  • This type of style is characterized by high anxiety and avoidance. They tend to be negative, which might be because of a fear caused by a parent or being ignored. This can also add up to Trauma and loss.
  • Women are more prone to have such an attachment style.
  • Such an attachment style makes the person more afraid of losing their partner. Trust issues can be very destructive to a person who is found with such an attachment style.
  • Hence they also suppress their true feelings, eventually leading to being emotionally reactive as they fail to suppress their feelings.
  • When such people do enter relationships they are more likely to be volatile and unstable.

Pairing of attachment styles

There are times when attachment styles pair up. People with preoccupied attachment style often find themselves with partners of an avoidant attachment style. Such relations tend to last longer but might be unhealthy.

On the contrary, a person with a secure attachment style might be more comfortable with a partner who is insecure. This insecurity may be contagious for the secure-person.

      • A secure person might become dismissive due to a preoccupied attachment style partner.
      • Dismissive-avoidant attachment style can lead to an otherwise secure person to become anxious. But the secure person is not likely to stay in such a relationship for long.

The smoothest functioning relationship would be between two people of secure attachment style.

Attachment styles and pregnancy

A research on pregnant women and their attachment styles shows how their attachment can be a good indicator. A woman who is a fearful-avoidant attachment style is more likely to suffer from emotional distress. Whereas, a woman with anxious-preoccupied attachment style is more prone to depression after pregnancy.

A child is more likely to develop a secure attachment style if given more love and care. Which eventually leads to having secure relationships in the future.

Some people go through a change in their attachment styles with age and relationships in their life. Knowing your attachment style can lead to a better tomorrow for you. It will help you choose better relationships and partners. Even if you are of the secure attachment style, you can help others with your knowledge of this topic.



Dr Mojo

Hi, I am Dr. Mojo Sexpert @IMBesharam, you can ask me anything about love, sex, relationships and everything in between

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